Well Father’s day has kind of come and gone for me and I thought I would take this opportunity to explain why fathers day is kind of a fucked up day for me.
I’m proud of being a father. I’m forever excited that I made the opportunity to become a father, though as my wife will tell you given half the chance, I wasn’t sure for the longest time I wanted marriage, let alone kids.
A few words about my dad… Bastard comes to mind, son of a bitch too (though I’ve never met his mom, I’m sure that’s accurate). Asshole is the one most commonly associated with him.
He was a pretty lousy excuse for a human being. Rumors in the family are rampant that he was a black-marketeer during his time as “Chief Storekeeper” in the US Navy (through the Korean War and Viet Nam), which *TOTALLY* makes sense given his personality. All he ever cared about was making money. Kids were ever the afterthought… Even mom said (in a moment of drunken lucidity at his wake) that the only reason she was able to have kids was that she committed a series of rapes…
Anyway, the life lessons my father taught me:
1. If you have a problem throw money at it and it will go away.
This was also how he viewed parenting, and why my young adulthood was so fucked up. When I was annoying I’d get grounded, when I’d get more annoying I’d get given $20 and told to go see a movie. Grand lesson I learned is that there were benefits to misbehaving…
2. Let your kids learn their lessons only if it doesn’t embarrass you.
When I was 13 I committed what would have amounted to my first felony had it not been on a military installation.. So when other delinquents had the local Police dragging their sorry butts home, I had Naval Intelligence on my back. To this day I’m still not sure what happened but I know that it just went away. (My dad was *really* good at bypassing laws when it suited him) I never spent one day in any kind of real hot water and therefore never learned anything. Same thing happened later when I stole my first car. See where this is going?
3. Nothing is as important as peace and quiet.
See point #1. All I had to do was turn the radio up (blasting “Suicidal Tendencies” or something equally obnoxious) and I’d get handed money and sometimes even given a ride into town.
4. Children are a burden.
Well this kind of explains why I was so hesitant to have my own. I was forever being told how much trouble I was and most importantly (in his mind) how expensive it was to raise children…
Now – as for me. My rules are much simpler:
1. Love them.
Undying, unwavering love for my kids is the absolute minimum I will give. Even when I’m exhausted, and even when they (and by they I mean my eldest usually) are being annoying cusses. I love them.
2. Help them to push their limitations.
I’ve said a number of times, I have three kids. Disorder, the oldest is probably undiagnosed Aspbergers given his difficulty fitting into what I losely term ‘normal’. If he is, then I definitely was, as I had the same issues growing up. Gently prodding him to engage in social situations to ensure he has the hang of it before he’s on his own. Panic is the same way. He’s seven now, and is constantly amazing me as ‘the little autistic kid who can..’ He’s trying new things, started actually SWIMMING this week…and for a kid who used to scream bloody murder when being put in a bathtub, that’s HUGE.
And Chaos. My dearest chaos.. Not sure where he is on the spectrum, but I’m sure it will show up eventually. We just keep teaching how to cope with being the youngest.
3. Expect more, and help them to want more.
Sometimes I think I know what my kids are capable of, more than they do. It’s my job to show them what they can *REALLY* do, and to help teach them to aspire to more than they are. This “I Don’t Care” attitude that I see coming out of kids these days kills me, because I know that that’s going to translate into a rough young-adulthood later on…
So happy belated fathers’ day to all the dads out there.
