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SEWP BOWL?  Really?  And who said the government doesn’t have a sense of humor.

(from http://www.sewp.nasa.gov)

It’s funny, but I always get this funny look when I talk about technology being alive, evolving, and maybe even slightly sentient.

We dumped cable TV today. And it got me to thinking on how certain technologies just become obsolete after a while.

We did it because the only ones who watched TV in our house were our kids, and they only watched two channels. Nickelodeon, and Nick Jr, and becaue Nick Jr was a part of the “premium” cable package we ended up spending $100 a month or more so that my 5 year old could learn Spanish from a diminutive latina with a talking backpack and an oddly-dressed monkey friend.

Now they get that same education from the same shows, but they get it from Netflix streaming through the Sony Playstation. Net cost $16.99/month.

But the cost savings are only part of it. My kids are no longer assaulted by endless advertising, commercials for shows that are NOT on their age level, and are no longer scheduling their lives around what shows come on at what times.  Because of the way Netflix works, I also get a running tally of what they watch.  Not possible with TV.

It really is an amazing freedom when you think about it. And it definitely signifies a technology that is finally moving away from “the way it’s always been done” to ways that may, finally, make more sense and put the consumer in control.

I think we as a culture are tired of having it rammed down our throats…the words “on-demand” are about to become a permanent part of our vocabulary.

In a world where bandwidth is cheaper and cheaper, it really surprises me that more people aren’t making this change.

Random though that runs through my head when I’m up too late: 

If I’m given “free-will” as a gift by god, what gives the “religious right” the idea that they are allowed to take that away?  Whether it’s abortion, same-sex marriage, or whatever else might be the plague of the day, it’s *MY* choice.  I’m sure god intended me to do with it exactly what I do with it, because the idea that he could have made a mistake in giving me this gift is preposterous, right, and that for another human being to presume to try and second-guess god’s will….well I’m pretty sure that’s against the rules too.

I read somewhere that he doesn’t make mistakes, that everything is his intent.  That would mean that homosexuality isn’t a design flaw, as most “Christians” would have you believe, but that he intended for some of us to be attracted that way.

Like I said.  I need sleep.

This was almost the last picture I ever took of my son.  

The nightmare happened to us today.  We’re at SeaWorld’s “Aquatica” waterpark…  enjoying some time out of the heat… 

They have a water-climber-thingie there.  It’s a MONSTER.  Six or eight slides, four levels, two big drenching buckets, and a lot of places that big fat parents can’t get to without a pry-bar and a gallon of crisco…

Well today it happened.  My 5 year old, (who I am convinced is the result of my monther’s curse “Some day you’ll grow up and have kids who act JUST LIKE YOU DID.”) got lost in this thing.  Look at the picture above and tell me – how easy is it to lose a kid in this mess?

Once we realized he’d gone missing we started the search.  Alerting the lifeguards, etc.  (Note to SeaWorld staff – the correct response to “My child is missing” is *NOT* “Well we’ll let you know if we run across him.”  #justsaying)

I ran around the perimiter of this monster and this is what I learned:

* There were no fewer than 5 entrances and exits.

* There were MAYBE 3 lifeguards at ground level watching some 150 kids.  A handful at higher levels paying attention to nothing but the slides.

Then as my paranoid mind took these facts to their logical conclusion I realized a few other things.

*NONE* of the parks we’ve been to in the last week, including the self-proclaimed “Happiest Place on Earth” have any meaningful way of preventing a child from getting lost, plan of action for acting on a loss or alerting parent’s of said loss.  More importantly, none of them, NOT A ONE, has any process / proceedure for dealing with someone taking a child out of the park with malicious intent.

NOT. A. ONE.

Even Chuck-E-Cheese, that famous purveyor of bad pizza and loud annoying furry animals, has a process in place all-but guaranteeing that the people who bring the kids in are the ones who take them home.

So why then do these parks, with all of the MONEY and technology, not have the same?  Hell they even fingerprint the kids on the way in as a means of keeping people from sharing a single ticket…doesn’t it make sense that this could be used to make sure the people the kids are leaving with are their rightful parents?

I always thought a simple RFID bracelet on parents and kids that were paired together would do it.  If a kid tried to leave alone or with parents not his own, alarm.  If a kid without a bracelet tried to leave, alarm.  If anyone tried to leave without their bracelet, alarm.   Easy, right?  I could probably write the software in 30 lines of code or less, and I’m not a programmer.  Great Wolf Lodge resorts (www.greatwolflodge.com) even has a wrist-band that can tie a kid to the room # they’re staying in, so if  kid gets lost all they have to do is scan the wrist-band to figure out where they belong.

Answer me that Disney, Universal Studios, and ESPECIALLY SeaWorld.  Why is it that protecting your revenue is more important than protecting the safety of the people within your gates?

Needless to say the next time my youngest son get’s set loose in a water park of any kind, he’s either going to be in college or he’ll be wearing a Lindsey Lohan style ankle-bracelet.

If you’re interested, you might check out http://www.brickhousesecurity.com as they make a handy-dandy and WATERPROOF child locator with a “wander alert” should your tagged child leave your preset safety-zone, and with a monitor that if you need to find your kid will literally point you in the right direction.  (No compensation was paid for this review, but I’ll take a free one if they want to offer…)

Oh – and as an FYI – he had wandered out of the area, up about 10 flights of stairs to the top of a waterslide called something with the word “Terror” in it that he apparently was under the impression that his under 48 inch-ed-ness was going to be allowed to go down without an adult handy.

And as further proof that he is my son, he gave the security guard holy hell trying to get him down from the top of that slide…only agreeing to finally when the security guard promised that he could say good-night to the WHOLE PARK on his radio when they got to the bottom.

Which he did….(after his mom and I were finished hugging on him and scolding him that he should never ever do that again.)`

My son’s “Good-Night SeaWorld!” was heard by all tonight….thankfully.

My brain is *SUCH* an asshole.  I have a photographic memory, but I have *ZERO* control over it.  I recall the strangest stuff but usually can’t remember where I left my keys.

I had another life.  Before this one.  Before the kids, before my wife (well, after her, but before this iteration.)

I was married before.  It wasn’t a good marriage by any means.  We married trying to fix a broken relationship, and I think everyone knows how well *THAT* works out.

But before the marriage there was something that I rarely talk about.

There was a kid. 

Yeah, that kind of kid.  The one that is born before the marriage and only slightly longer before the inevitible divorce.

In 1994 I had a kid.  I was *NOT* mentally well, at 24 I was still a child, and neither of us were nowhere near mature enough to raise a kid of our own.  I did have the presence of mind however to realize how much of *MY* baggage came from my parents complete inability to…well..parent. 

So we went to a lawyer..did the right thing.  Found a set of parents who wanted to have kids but couldn’t, and we put our baby up for adoption.

We met a wonderful couple, liked them immediately…  Everything worked.

And 5 months later we gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.

ANd 3 days later we gave her away – secure in the thought that she was going to have a better life than we could have given her.

Now it wasn’t an “open” adoption in the strictest sense.  We were encouraged to keep in touch…through a neutral third party (their lawyer).

So the catch was this.  At some point, 16 years ago, I saw their name written on a peice of paper, and apparently at the time my brain thoght that this might be a tidbit of information to hold on to.

Fast forward to last Tuesday night.  (this is the “my brain is an asshole part”)

I’m working in my office, cleaning out something I should have cleaned out years ago.  When apparently, my mind, in a fit of doing the same thing.  Let the name roll through my concious.  I tried to ignore it…  At which point my brain said….HEY FUCKWAD and did it again.

I knew who the names belonged to instantly.  I knew the gravity of it.  I had just remembered the first and last names of the people who adopted my daughter.

So I pull up a window and go to google. (which by the way I’m not convinced should be government regulated because it can be VERY dangerous)

15 minutes – it took me 15 minutes to have their names, address, phone numbers, business name, and what high-school the kids both go to.

A quick run through myspace and facebook and I now know an uncomfortable amount about them.  (uncomfortable for them, I’m actually pretty happy with the results.)

She’s 16 now.

She seems happy.

And she is the spitting image of her mom.

Back to the “my brain is an asshole” part.  Now I have the dilemma.  They told me I could keep in touch, but it was understood that it would go through a neutral third party.  (I still have the lawyer’s name stored upstairs too)

It has also been 16 years.

Which begs the obvious question.

Now what the fuck do I do?

That’s a serious question yo.

LA Police: Boy, 9, Shoots, Kills Toddler Brother

Obviously the US loves its guns more than its children. The NRA has created a culture of fear that leads people to believe that guns are the only thing keeping them safe from their neighbours, their government, the Russians and the king. The American people, who could be convinced that their shadows possess weapons of mass destruction, happy lay their children on the altar of the 2nd amendment in exchange for the delusion of security. Yet when their people take losses fighting a war to keep the bad guys from the door, suddenly guns don’t work anymore and they need to turn tail and run. What a sad fearful people.

(If you don’t care about the trainwreck that is my family, you can skip this post. It’s really intended for an audience of one – but as I *AM* a blogger and it’s my nature to air dirty-laundry online…here goes)

Wow – I forgot that my sister reads my blog from time to time. I also apparently forgot that she’s absolutely batshit crazy. A lifetime of drugs and alchohol and pretending the real world doesn’t exist will do that to you.

After my last post she sent me a pretty terse email regarding our father, plus she didn’t like the fact that I characterized her little 20-something-foot airstream as “crappy”. (She called it “Classy” – on what planet is a mobile-home classy? Pauline? You *KNOW* classy maybe you can answer that question)

Sis – a few points if I may. (And it’s my blog, so yes, I bloody well may)

Any house with wheels on it is crappy. It’s a refuge for people who can’t stand to feel pinned down, but as a result it’s also a refuge for people who don’t want roots, who don’t want to make connections and have people know them.

You *LEFT* when you were thirteen. Split. Bailed. Vamoosed. You say it was because mom was insane going through menopause. Well that’s understandable. My wife says that her mom was pretty insane during hers as well. Of course her father was trying to kill her mom too, so maybe it just goes with the territory. You can spend days and days telling me what mom/dad were/weren’t like when you were a kid, but the fact of the matter is you weren’t there when *I* was there. (Sometimes you were pretty close by, living with your stoner friends in some house dad bought so that you wouldn’t be homeless, and a further stain on his reputation) You played other people’s music, got high, freeloaded, played the occasional paying gig, but never once created something yourself, preferring to live off other peoples’ hard work and creativity.

You accused me of being a Marxist/Socialist. Well, first off, if you had a lick of education you’d know that those are two almost completely different ideologies. I’m a centrist democrat or a left-leaning independent, depending on how you look at it. But to an illiterate redneck anything to the left of center is evil and must be destroyed.

You are the picture of a hypocrite for your belief that “Socialism” is a bad thing. You spent DECADES of your life on the public dole. You took every handout you could. And I’m aware enough of your earning history to know that you haven’t REMOTELY come close to paying it back. At this point you’re only counting down the years until you’ll be eligible for Medicare/Social Security. (though you’re in for a shock when you get to that age, your payout at the end is directly related to what you put into it, and you’ve spent so much time avoiding real work that it means you’ll qualify for enough to keep you from having to eat dog-food, but that’s about it.)

You are exactly the type of person the right-wing types freak out about when it comes to welfare, saying that “providing for people just encourages them to beg for the handouts.” So are you going to turn down Medicare? Are you going to turn down Social Security? No, probably not. Your body is failing from years of abuse, drugs, hard drinking, and letting losers beat on you. You need that handout, and even though you’ve not paid NEARLY as much as I have into the system, you’ll sure as hell take from it without batting an eye.

I don’t care that you do, I think the system is there for people who need it, even you. I *DO* care about hypocrisy, and in taking that hand-out you are the biggest kind of hypocrite.

But here is one handout you don’t need anymore. And in truth, by your logic, I’ve been remiss in allowing you to keep it this long. For close to two years I’ve been carrying your cellphone bill because your credit sucked so badly you couldn’t even get a phone. Well I think I’m going to take a page from the right-wing handbook. You might try one of those pre-paid cellphones, if the wireless cartel in Valdez allows them, or you might have to go without. That’s what you righties think that people should do right? Just do without if you can’t afford it?

Effective immediately you are hereby cut-off. Feel free to pawn the phone, I don’t ever expect to see it again, and I’ll never again mention again the few hundred dollars per year I’ve spent keeping that phone active for you. Plus the money I’ve lent you that I’ll never see again, plus the money you STOLE from me by using my FedEx account without permission to ship stuff to Alaska when you ran away from your last, best chance at a real life.

See how good that feels? You should be thanking me for forcing you to stand on your own two feet. You don’t need handouts, right?

If you’d like to send back the computer I gave you you can do that too, but at this point it would cost you more to ship than it’s worth.

Secondly, your role in my kids’ lives.

You don’t have one. Period. You don’t get to abdicate your responsibility as a parent and then swoop in and pretend to be grandma. I was hesitant about allowing you into the house, given the fact that to this day you can’t seem to give up the drugs or smoking long enough to hang out with them. You are the worst kind of bad influence they could have. What could you have taught them? That ignoring the law is ok when it’s pot but not when it’s illegal immigration? Dad taught me lessons like that, and it took a 3 year state-paid-vacation for me to realize that mom/dad had taught me completely wrong. They both used to tell me “I dont care what you do, just don’t get caught.” Is that really the lesson we need to teach our kids?

It’s sure as hell not the lesson I’m teaching mine. Mine learn “The law is the law and you may not agree with it but it’s the law for a reason.” I think they’ll have a lot better luck navigating through their adulthood than I did.

That’s the sad part.. You’ve given up any relationship you could have had with them. For what, so you can go back to growing your own pot? That’s *REALLY* mature. Running away to a state that houses nothing but people running away from the real world? (Hawaii is that as well without snow-shoveling.) It’s not like you would ever be able to make the trip out here, and I’m sure the only view my kids are going to get of Alaska is going to be from the deck of a cruise ship. And that’s not bloody likely, there are many better places to see with culture and learning and seeing things that matter in the world.

I’m done. This is good-bye. I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but to a one every member of this family has turned out to be absolutely nuts so truthfully it’s in my kid’s best interest to sever all ties, just in case crazy is contagious.

Take care of yourself. I’m hoping you’ll figure it out and turn your shit around, but I’m not going to hold my breath – your last best chance for normal died when you left Phoenix.

And don’t try to comment on this post. This is my blog and I’m allowed to have the last word. You want one of your own, get your own damned blog.

Dear Dad.

You’ve been dead now for 13 years and as I don’t believe in any form of afterlife I know that you’ll never know how I feel. This isn’t for you this is for me.

Fuck you.

You were never a father to me, or more specifically, you were never my “Dad” You made it clear to mom that you didn’t want me when you took me in that you weren’t interested. You only went through with the adoption because she emotionally battered you until you did. (She was *REALLY* good at that, but I’ve come to believe that was from 40 years of living with you)

You see – I know where I stood. You were 52. You had just lost your first born to a senseless murder, your daughter, whom you ran off when she was 13, came back 15, pregnant and on more drugs than you knew existed. You were ready to crawl into your hole and die, not caring that you had a wife and four other kids to worry about, and there is a big part of me that wishes you had.

We would have been better off without you.

I grew up needing a father. You see, mom tried to teach me things, but she was so emotionally beaten that her world-view was, shall we say, skewed. She tried to teach me everything there was about being kind, considerate, compassionate, but was completely incapable of teaching me right from wrong, because in her mind what you did to us was *right*.

At first all I ever wanted, all I ever needed was your admiration. Then I would have settled for approval. Finally all i wanted was acknowledgement.

You couldn’t even manage that. And you wonder why I was always in trouble? Fuck when the cops brought me home was the only time you ever gave me the time of day. That bit about kids craving attention is true, when they don’t get good attention, they settle for ANY attention.

Would it have fucking killed you to say “Good job” even once in your miserable life? Encouraged me just a little? Bothered to show up when I got an award in school? Hell you even bitched like hell when I wanted to play Little League, when you finally broke down and signed me up for it you never ONCE hung out and watched a practice, or a game, and you wonder why I didn’t stick it out?

I know what it was. You viewed me as a potential replacement, I know that’s right or not that’s how mom probably billed it to you. “Here, we just lost a kid but here’s a NEW kid…”

I was a usurper, a pretender to the throne. The bastard child of your whore daughter. (Your words, not mine)

Fuck you.

Fuck you for telling me I was never going to amount to anything.

Fuck you for telling me I was going to live on a park-bench for the rest of my life.

Fuck you for not instilling *ANY* kind of values in me.

Fuck you for blaming me when I showed the world I had no values.

Fuck you for bailing me out, not out of any love for me, but because you were too embarassed to have a son in jail. And fuck you for ensuring that I *NEVER* suffered the consequences of any of my actions.

Fuck you for drinking EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. until you couldn’t stand up.

Fuck you for beating mom and putting her in the hospital in 1984. You think I actually believed you when you told me she had “gone to a hotel” after that fight? I was 14, and not nearly as stupid as you thought I was. It does make me wonder how many of those fights I spent my nights listening too ended in bloodshed…she always went on “vacation” after those fights. (That was also the fight where I put two and two together and realized how long you had been beating her.)

Fuck you for showing me such a damaged version of what being a *man* is that I came dangerously close to being you.

And for my final fuck you:

This is what you did to your family. (I mean the ones that actually tried to follow in your footsteps.)

#1 died because he was into drugs, and potentially into something *WAY* over his head. Shot in the stomach on his own front doorstep with a crowd of people in his house too stoned to noticed he was gone, let alone to hear a gunshot.

#2 is currently living in a Volkswagon Van on the beach in Hawaii, slowly dying if liver failure from almost a half-century of tequilia.

#3 (Daughter) is living broke in a crappy trailer in Alaska, not able to functionally deal with being a part of society. She’s no longer a drunk, which is good, but she’s still quite the pot-head. (This is my biological mom, in case you missed that part)

#4 is the one you would consider the “success” in the family. He tried to mom to move out of her very comfortable house into a mobile home to conserve the estate. (I put a stop to that) And then when she finally passed, he pillaged the estate. He is universally hated, both by his siblings and most of his extended family) One kid who he hopefully won’t fuck up as bad as you did. His measure of success is money, and only money. Treated your death as a reason to throw a party. Actually said (to his wife) the words “There isn’t as much money here as we had hoped, we’ll have to change some of our plans.” WHILE HIS MOTHER WAS ON HER DEATHBED.

#5 is a complete drunk, like you he has gotten drunk every day of his life, can’t legally drive anymore (PERIOD). He fucked up 2 out of 3 of his own daughters, was a grandfather before his 50th birthday, and now sits in his rented house with NOTHING and NO ONE.

And then there’s me. The one you decided *NOT* to parent. The one you gave up on. The one you really couldn’t have cared less about. (I mean other than the times i was an embarrassment to you, you sure as hell cared then.)

Maybe instead of fuck you I should say….

Thank you.

Thank you for not taking an interest in me. Because you didn’t care, I stood a chance. Because you pushed me away, I didn’t learn from you. Because you showed me nothing, I took nothing from that relationship acquaintance.

Though it took a while for me to learn how to figure things out for myself, I thank you for that too; I learned to rely on myself because of you.

And the final win, I’m a better father than you could have ever hoped of being. DESPITE you, not because of you. My kids worship me, and you know what? I worship them right back.

I’m a better husband than you could ever have dreamed of being. I respect my wife and listen to her when she wants to talk. When we argue the possibility of physical violence is NEVER there.

I’m a better MAN than you ever were. Because I take care of *ALL* of my responsibilities. You believed that a husband’s / father’s responsibility ended at providing for your family…you were *ALWAYS* wrong about that.

Because: When I get into a situation where I don’t know what to do, I think of what you would have done, and do the exact opposite.

That one rule, has *NEVER* failed me.

Happy Father’s Day to the *REAL* fathers out there. The ones who give a shit.

Jesse

P.S. To all the fathers who can’t be bothered to take an interest in their kids when they are at home, giving the “i’m too tired” bullshit excuse. I have good news for you.

Some day your kid will write something very much like this about you.

I’m a bit of a stick in the mud when it comes to change.

I dislike it.

A *LOT*

So what did I do…gave up my years-long love-affair with Blackberry and bought a new Android-based phone.

I’ve sort of had it spelled out to me recently that I resist change even when it makes sense. Fearing the unknown and all that.

So this is my gesture.

I managed to hit Sprint.Com during one of the 18 whole hours they had the HTC EVO in stock. My son wanted to spend his end-of-year-report-card-money on one and in playing with it in the store, I had to admit I was pretty impressed.

First off the screen. The EVO sports a 4.3″ diag. screen which puts the rest of the droid-based phones to shame. (Even the new HTC Droid “Incredible” isn’t so incredible at a paltry 3.7″)

Setup was easy, but not as easy as it could have been. After several unsuccessful attempts at activating online I was forced to call in. The unsuccessful activations were due to the fact that the phones were tied to the number they were purchased under, and I was trying to cross-activate them.

So far so good. The only notible exception is the inability to sync my windows “Notes” using exchange active-sync. I depend on those pretty heavily so will have to find a work-around for it.

I’ll update when i actually get a chance to use this in a “work” situation. But so far playing with it has been fun.

STFU: You do *NOT* get to simultaneously bitch about big government and then complain about how little they’re doing for you. Pick a side. If you tax-starve the government, they aren’t able to respond to things like the BP Oil Spill.

Our government is *STILL* getting over Bush’s 8 years of famine. The fact that the resources don’t exist to cope with a disaster of this magnitude shouldn’t surprise anyone.

Remember – the governments slow response had a lot to do with the fact that BP LIED ABOUT THE FACT THAT THERE WAS A LEAK. Then when that lie was discovered, they commenced lying about the size of the leak.

I’ll put it into perspective.

If my kid comes in and tells me he spilled some water, I’m not going to run upstairs in a panic.

If it then turns out he emptied the pool into the living room, his ass is grounded until college.

BP is *STILL* lying about the status of the leak. On the news today I heard someone say that if BP didn’t know how much oil was flowing, it was only because they dliberately didn’t want to know. Willful blindness.

Anyone who thinks that allowing the “free market” to take over and for companies to be allowed to regulate themselves is on crack.

Companies *WILL NOT* regulate themselves. It’s not in their financial interests to do so, and the ONLY thing a company does is whatever is in it’s financial interest.

They’re *SO* fucking grounded.